This morning the Spinning Belle woke me with a breathless announcement. “They found that girl from Duluth! She lied! They’re having a press conference right now—turn on the television!”

Just yesterday, after hearing the reports that the fiance had passed a privately administered polygraph test, I remarked to her that I really hoped that it turns out that he didn’t kill her or something since the last few cases like this had ended up with the husband or the fiance as the perp. Good news, Jennifer Wilbanks is a living, breathing, Runaway Bride.

What would make her run you wonder? Let’s take a look at some of the statements~~

Spokesman Mike Satterfield (Wilbanks’ uncle) read a statement from the family.

“It has been determined that Jennifer has some issues the family was not aware of.

I’d say that might be a candidate for understatement of the year. - NEWSFLASH - We, here, at SSG World Headquarters can confirm that the family has “determined” Jennifer Wilbanks “has some issues.”

Pastor Alan Jones, who was to wed the couple, reports that Wilbanks’ fiance said to both families, “Everybody has the right to make a mistake. The Bible calls that sin, and the Bible says everytime we sin, we crucify Christ anew, and Christ forgives us, and that’s what grace is all about.”

Wow, with preaching like that from your fiance who needs the Sunday sermons? Hey Jennifer, did you know you just made a mistake and that hurts Baby Jesus?

Pastor Alan Jones in remarks on behalf of the fiance, John Mason, and his family noted that Jennifer has some problems no one was aware of~~

No one in this house had any idea that Jennifer was a runaway bride. Jennifer needs help. We know that. (Ed. – Now…)

I’m starting to understand why Jennifer might have elected to literally become a
runaway bride. (Jennifer disappeared after going for a run Tuesday; she is an avid runner and marathoner.)

Elsewhere in his statement he notes that he had been counseling the couple for three months and was clueless as to any issues confronting Wilbanks.

I counseled with them Sunday night and I had no idea. No idea.

And for Pre-Nuptial Counselor of the Year, I’d like to nominate Pastor Alan Jones for his insightful, perceptive, and psychic abilities to discern the feelings of the couples he counsels.

After some serious and thoughtful soul-searching discussion by the chief editorial board here at the SSG World Headquarters (that’d be the Spinning Belle and I), we would like to offer this editorial comment~~

The moral of this story is don’t marry a marathoner; you’ll never know how far she’ll run. Instead, propose to a fat chick; it’s easier to catch her, if she runs.”

(A disclosure after the jump…)

Update: Instalanche! Welcome Instapundit readers!

Update 2:Lucianne-d! Welcome Lucianne.com readers! (P.S. – Ms. Goldberg, I am available for a book deal!)

Pastor Alan Jones is an associate pastor at Peachtree Corners Baptist Church in Norcross, GA. My mother and step-father were rather active members of this church and found it to be a really nice church for them. While my grandmother stayed with them for several months in 2003 to receive medical treatment in Atlanta, she also attended regularly, and I carried her to the church when I was pressed into granny-sitting duty. She also was very fond of Peachtree Corners. Mom has encouraged many times in the past few weeks to go to church there, but I have opted instead to attend the Spinning Belle’s home church in Alpharetta. Tragically, I did not have the honor or opportunity to meet Pastor Jones. If Mom ever answers her phone, I’ll try to deliver more scoop.

Another note on the fiance and his family—They are a rather well connected, influential, and powerful force in the Duluth area. Given a wedding of the scale as the couple was supposed to have, I’d wager that it would have been “the event” for a Duluth area wedding this spring. Oops.

I have met and dealt with a number of Bridezilla’s in my years. From fires in the faux greenery adorning the altar, to missing rings, to groomsmen changing to t-shirts and blue jeans before the reception, to incorrect lighting in the sanctuary, it has been my (ahem) great honor to serve as a last minute utility aide de camp for many a groom and Bridezilla. Even with such depth and breadth of experience in wedding disasters, it is beyond my ability to fathom how intense a case of Bridezilla-itis would afflict a woman with such a grand wedding of this scale. Fortunately, Jennifer Wilbanks has illustrated it all too clearly for us. Thanks, Jenn!